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We don't have to be a missed connection. We were a missed connection for 14 years and thought of each other that whole time. We lived lives, had children, and wondered about one another. Finding you again was the most wonderful and beautiful moment in my life. Driving in my car on November 5, and hearing you say you'd come see me... I fell apart with excitement and fear and anxiety. And then... "I'm taking off your boots now." There. That was it. It was everything.
There were so many complications and so much confusion, but it never made a difference when we were together, intertwined. We lay, night after night, arms and legs tangled in a confusion of oneness. My head buried in your neck, and you breathing me in. Our complications and problems still existed, but those moments made it worth the effort. I knew that as our situations settled, we would find ourselves in the life we wanted together. For me, and for you, it may have been forever. Those moments *were* forever.
Boston. You came here and surprised me with a whirlwind date that lasted an entire night. Four hours of driving just so you could treat me as if I were the only woman in existence. I'd never experienced something so simple, yet so extravagant. I couldn't even tell sexy ladies looking casual sex Rio Rancho New Mexico people what we did that night because words lessened the magic that it was, and I couldn't risk belittling that beauty.
I don't know what happened this month, and I'm not sure you do, either. It feels like everything came at us at once. You had been free, sure of what you wanted. You are still sure of what you want, and yet your honor and beliefs won't let you have it. With or without me, you should be happy for the rest of your life. You should wake up with a woman who melts you with her smile. A woman who will skip naked to the bathroom, singing like a fool, while you lay in bed and laugh. A woman who you look at, when you are sick or hurt, and feel that things are OK because she is there next to you. She will protect you and she will do nothing but make sure you stay strong.
I do think you believe things have changed where you are now. That you made a decision and can't go back on it. That you no longer have a choice, you only have an obligation. Do you remember all the pieces of that life that forced you out? Do you remember the days that you felt as if you weren't truly living? Do you remember wishing that you no longer had to "deal"... that you could simply "be"? Things could change there for you. You could fall in love, you could find yourself with a changed woman who no longer hurts you or controls you or screams or hits or demeans you as a man and as a father.
I need you. I need to make you happy. I need you here, doing the toothbrush ritual of flying that child to the bathroom. I need you to come over with wine, and sit and talk for hours over the music station you chose. The old one, not the one after I deleted it. After 15 years, we could still talk about everything, for hours.
You can have a true relationship and true happiness with love, or you can have it with someone you don't like, who doesn't trust you or respect you. You did make a commitment. You did promise, and I love you because you worked so hard to keep that commitment. I love you more for knowing that all of you were damaged by the situation, and for leaving when things became too bad. There is a time when becoming your own person and ending the pain that three people have, is the right choice. Commitments are not obligations. Commitments are a declaration of love, of happiness, of knowing that you will always have the person you love by your side.
Where is it that you want to be at this moment? Do you want to share your pain, or do you want to be free of it completely? I offered you everything. I ed, and needed you here so I could tell you. I have it. I have an unbridled need to unload all the weights holding me back, and just do this right. I should have said it an hour, a day, a week sooner. You know where you want to be. You know that the rest of your life deserves to be lived with love. You know that you can try and try, but feelings cannot resurrect themselves. Our feelings, the ones that make so much sense, the ones that were always there, they still exist. They are alive. They are inside of us, filling us with hope. There is a future in that.
You are loyal, you are honorable, and you are good enough to be happy forever. Please contact me. Talk. Tell me what you want. Tell me that you don't want to hide your pain, you want to throw it into the sky and be free, unburdened, impassioned. We are passion. We can be. We were. We will be. Find me, as you did before. It was right. It was peace.
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